


the terrible weight of guilt

by witchee_writer



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, M/M, Parabatai Feels, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27096604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchee_writer/pseuds/witchee_writer
Summary: James hated the look on his face, the terror, the guilt. James missed his smile, he was terrified that he would never see Matthew smile again.Or, Matthew's darkest secret is revealed and he runs away.
Relationships: Matthew Fairchild & James Herondale, Matthew Fairchild/James Herondale
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	the terrible weight of guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Again, haven't read Chain of Gold yet so both Matthew and James are probably out of character. But I love them, so I had to write some angst. Because apparently me loving them means they have to suffer. As if they won't suffer enough in canon (I have a bad feeling, but I'm trying to stay positive). I'm sorry if there are any mistakes! I probably missed them in the re-reads.

James looked for something, anything, that would tell him where his parabatai was. He felt the pain in their bond, raw and frayed. James wondered how it had taken him so long to notice in the first place. It had been hours and Matthew had disappeared into the dark, into the dirtied streets of London that he knew far too well. If he didn't want to be found, he wouldn't be. 

But James couldn't give up, he wouldn't, not until Matthew was with him again. 

All he could see was the fear in his eyes, the shame, the guilt, the pain, plastered across his beautiful face before he had turned and ran. James had tried to reach out and stop him, to follow him but it was as if Matthew could turn into a shadow and disappear. 

He was gone. 

Charles Buford had been furious when he had learned the truth, Charlotte falling back into her seat, Henry trying (and failing) to reach out to Matthew. It was an accident, his mother had said. Uncle Jem echoing the same thing, but Matthew wasn't listening and Charles was yelling and scolding, uncaring of the look on his brother's face. Matthew, his beautiful, strong, Matthew, looked anything but. He had been in so much pain, drowning his sorrow and guilt and self-hatred in alcohol and James hadn't even known. It hurt a little that Matthew hadn't trusted him, but he wasn't angry, he could never be angry with Matthew. His parabatai flinched away from James as he got too near, like a small, frightened animal. He was breathing too hard, his hands shaking and James wanted nothing more then to wrap him in his arms, hide him away. 

He never got the chance. 

And now it had been hours, and James couldn't find him anywhere. It didn't matter which Downworlder bar he went too, which dodgy establishment, there was no Matthew. Not a sign, not a trace, nothing. He trudged into the Institute, hoping for news, hoping that someone had stumbled across Matthew but he knew at one glance there had been nothing. The mood felt as dark as his own, Charlotte was in a right state, desperate to see her son again. Even Charles, usually so self-righteous and haughty had turned quiet. He knew, as they all did, that Matthew was dangerous at the best of times. James had often tried to bring the drinking up with him and Matthew promised he had it under control. James knew it to be a lie, but he trusted his parabatai regardless. He would come back to him, as long as he did that, nothing else mattered. Now, James had this feeling, this stone in the pit of his stomach that made him wonder, _what if Matthew didn't come back?_

He saw his father and the way he looked at Uncle Jem. He had lost him once too and the Angel had been kind and given him back (he spent more time with them then he should have, but his father was too stubborn to let him go to the Silent Brothers without a fight). 

If James lost Matthew, he wouldn't get him back and what would become of him then? The thought alone sent pain through him. He couldn't lose Matthew. He couldn't, he may as well be dead if he didn't have Matthew by his side. Grace didn't matter if he didn't have Matthew, Cordelia didn't matter if he didn't have Matthew, Thomas, Christopher, none of them mattered if he didn't have Matthew with him too. Matthew and his shining green eyes, a smile so charming that no one could possibly refuse him. He was meant to be the light to James' dark. 

So why couldn't he find him? Why hadn't he come back? 

He had to know that James would never condemn him for what he had done, for accidentally poisoning Charlotte in a fit of jealousy and self-doubt. It was meant to be a truth telling potion, harmless, that was all. It wasn't meant to be poison, he didn't even know his mother had been pregnant with his sister. It had all just been one terrible, horrible misunderstanding. Charlotte didn't blame him, it had been a shock but James knew she didn't blame Matthew. Nor did Henry. They just wanted their boy to come home, now. That was all, Matthew didn't need to be afraid. 

"James, come and rest," said Tessa, her voice soft. "It is getting dark, we can keep looking for Matthew in the morning." His father was still out there though, the Lightwoods too. What would it say to Matthew if his own parabatai didn't come looking for him too? Perhaps he would think that James had abandoned him, that all his worst nightmares had come true. James shuddered. His mother sighed, perhaps his face said all that it needed too. "At least put another coat on, and take one for Matthew too." 

* * *

James didn't know why he thought to walk past Blackfriar's Bridge. It wasn't a place he took Matthew often, and it was only something special to his parents. His mother had told him that it had been one of Uncle Jem's favourite places. A place he had shared with Will long ago, and a place he had shared with Tessa. But for some reason, some unknown force, James had been drawn there. It was as good a place to look as any, he had thought. 

He hadn't expected to see Matthew, teetering dangerously on the edge. His heart stopped, James couldn't breathe. Matthew looked the same, but so very different. His face was dark and unreadable as he looked at the swirling torrent of river below. 

No, he couldn't, he wouldn't leave James like this. Not Matthew, not his Matthew. Matthew turned to look at him, green eyes terrifyingly blank. James wasn't even aware that he was moving until Matthew held out a hand. 

"Stop, Jaime," Matthew called. His voice sounded wrong, so wrong. There was no humour or levity, no confidence, there was nothing. "Don't come any closer." 

"Math," said James, shakily. "Come here, come to me, okay?" He held out a hand, inching closer. He just wanted to touch him, to cling onto him, hold his parabatai tighter then he ever had before. 

"Stop," said Matthew, his voice sharp. "I want you to turn around Jaime, turn around and leave and never look back." 

"How could you think I would ever do that?" whispered James. He shook his head, his dark hair flying. "Never, I won't ever leave you. Now come down, we've been looking for you all day and it's late-" 

"What if I don't want to come down?" There was something distant about Matthew's voice, he leaned over and James must have let out some kind of noise because he pulled himself back before he could fall over the edge. Matthew sighed, "It's my fault, everything is my fault. I should never have asked you to be my parabatai, it has only brought you pain." 

"I would choose the pain over and over again if it meant I had you, Math," said James, swallowing thickly. "I love you, you're my parabatai, my best friend, the other half of my soul. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, you'll always have me." 

Matthew laughed, bitterly. "I don't deserve your love, James. I am a murderer, I am reckless and irresponsible, my family ought to strip me of my marks as I am nothing but a shame to them. I drink myself into a stupor every night, you cannot rely on someone like me, Jaime. It will get you killed, and I won't kill anyone else, I won't." 

James took a step forward, if he could just get closer, if he could just drag Matthew back, the rest they could deal with later. He felt like his heart was going to beat through his chest, terrified. "I said stop, James!" yelled Matthew, glaring at him. And James froze, his parabatai moving further away from him, stumbling for a moment before regaining his hold. James felt like he was going to be sick.

This couldn't happen, it just couldn't. 

"You'll be better off," continued Matthew, firmly. James could see him breathing heavily, his knuckles white with how tightly he held onto the railing. 

"I won't!" shouted James, desperately. "I could never be better off without you, Matthew. Everything will be so dark without you, you're the only one that can see me as I am."

Matthew sighed, closing his eyes. "There will be others-"

"There won't!"

"You have your family-" 

"So do you!" Matthew scoffed, shaking his head. "You do," continued James. "Your mother and father have been beside themselves with worry, I have never seen Charles so quiet. He was out looking as much as I, Matthew. They love you, Math, nothing has changed-" 

"Tell Charlie to look after father, okay?" Matthew was looking at the water again, it was if he hadn't even heard James. James wanted to cry, his heart was in his throat (no, it was teetering over the edge of a bridge, threatening to throw himself off). "Someone has too, he won't eat otherwise, you know how he is. Him and Christopher both, actually. Tell my mother I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I would never have-" Matthew shuddered, violently. 

"Matthew, please," James begged. "Please come down, I'm scared. I can't lose you, I just can't. Please. Look at me, Matthew. Don't look down, look at me." 

His parabatai sighed, but he did not look back. "I know this will hurt," Matthew whispered. "I can't stand the thought of hurting you, Jaime. But you'll be hurt more if I stay, I know it."

"You're wrong!" 

"You deserve better, everyone deserves better. I'm only good at hurting people, at causing trouble, at being a burden." His hold started to loosen, and James started forward just as Matthew whispered a final, _"I'm sorry,"_ and let go. 

It was as if time slowed down, and a portal opened faster then James could move. A hand shot out and wrapped around Matthew's wrist, and Magnus Bane winced as he found himself pressed against the bridge railings, Matthew dangling over the edge. He fought and snarled, begged him to let go but then James was there too, pulling him up. Matthew cried, begged him not to do this but Magnus waved his spare hand and finally, Matthew fell limp. Together they pulled him over the railing and James collapsed to the ground, his parabatai in his lap. He was sure that Magnus was saying something, but James couldn't hear a word. There was a buzz in his ears, and all he could see was Matthew, still, but alive in his arms. Matthew pale and thin, dark circles beneath his eyes, his clothes rumpled, his hair a mess. He would hate it, he would hate it so much. James sobbed and tried to make his parabatai look a little more presentable, his hands fluttering over him because that was all he could do. 

He had almost died. 

He had almost left James for good. 

"James," said Tessa, her hands resting on his shoulders. James looked up to see his mother there, his father too, Charlotte, Charles, Jem. When had they arrived? His mother tried to pull him away but James could only drag Matthew closer and hold him that much tighter. 

"Come on, James," said Will, kneeling down next to him. "It's cold, can you help us bring Matthew back to the Institute where it's a little warmer?" 

"Father-" His voice was hoarse. How long had he sat there crying? James shook his head, "Matthew _jumped_." He heard Charlotte stifle a cry, he heard Charles take a sharp breath. "He wouldn't listen- he thought- if Magnus-" James couldn't even get out the words. 

"It's going to be okay, James," said Will. "He has you, he needs you-"

"He thought I would be better off," cried James, "He thought everyone would be-" He smoothed down his hair again, as if trying to comfort him even while he was unconscious. "He thinks he's worthless. My Matthew, my-" 

"James," said Will, his tone firm. "I know it's hard for you, I know you're hurting. Matthew needs you to be strong now, okay? He needs you to help him get through this. Let's go back to the Institute, we can look after him better there. You'll both catch your death out here if we stay any longer." His father helped him move Matthew into a more comfortable position, and James stood up. His parabatai was still in his arms, his head resting against his chest. Matthew looked so at peace like this, his heart clenched of the thought of him being in pain when he woke. "Good lad," said Will, encouragingly. "There we go, to the carriage now. There's a good man." James let his father lead them back across to the bridge, to the carriage. James barely acknowledged anyone else, he couldn't. Matthew was all that mattered, Matthew was what was most important. 

He took a breath and closed his eyes, listened to the steady heartbeat of his parabatai. 

This was just a bump in the road, Matthew was still with them, James was still whole. It would be okay, it had to be. 

* * *

James refused to leave his side. 

No one argued with him, not even Matthew's parents. Perhaps Charlotte knew well enough not to interfere with parabatai, she had been the one to deal with his father and Uncle Jem, after all. Magnus said he would wake at any time, that the spell he had used to knock him unconscious had been weak. Matthew hadn't woken yet, but that didn't stop James from clinging to his hand, staring at his face as if at any moment he might disappear on him. 

It hurt, his heart hurt. James blinked back tears, trying to wipe them away without letting go of Matthew's hand. He couldn't let go. Never. Never, ever. 

A sob threatened to tear itself from his throat but he swallowed it down. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, Matthew was never supposed to be hurt (physically or otherwise). Matthew was never supposed to lose the glint in his eyes and the smile on his lips. If he was a better parabatai he would have been there for him, he would have known that something was wrong, terribly wrong. 

"Jaime," said Matthew, softly. 

James blinked, his vision clearing. Green eyes stared back at him and this time, he didn't stop the sob. He threw himself at Matthew, wrapping himself around him. His parabatai sighed, but James felt him move, felt the hand brushing through his hair, trying to soothe him. 

"See?" whispered Matthew, "You're only hurting because of me, Jaime." 

James sat up, glaring down furiously at his parabatai. "This is nothing compared to what I would have felt if you had-" His voice broke, and he shook his head. He took Matthew's face in his hands, willing him to feel what he felt. "You are my best friend, my soul mate, my parabatai, my brother, my everything. You are strong and beautiful and good-" Matthew tried to turn away, but James held strong. "You made a mistake, Math. You have drowned yourself in guilt and despair alone ever since. You never meant for the potion to be poison and you never knew that Charlotte was pregnant-" 

"That doesn't change-"

"It was an accident!" yelled James. He leaned down, rested his forehead against Matthew's. The contact silenced him and James closed his eyes, listened to the steady breathing that confirmed his parabatai was there and breathing. "It was an accident. You are not evil, Matthew. You could never be evil. You were just a boy that made a mistake and we have all done that. Alistair and his friends could have killed me back at the Academy, could have killed both of us for what they thought would be a funny prank. They hadn't known what was in that box, either. They hadn't known and one of their own paid the price. You think they have forgotten that? They are mistakes, Matthew. You're not a bad person. And even if you were, it would never change how I felt about you. Your mother was worried sick, your father too, even Charles. For all he yells at you, he just wants you to reach your full potential. He does not hate you, he cares about you, Matthew. He has hardly said a word of reproach since we brought you back to the Institute, he only wants to know that you are okay. And you're not, you won't be for a while but I want to be there for you every step of the way. Lean on me, Matthew. Let me help you just don't- don't leave me." James sniffled and Matthew reached up, brushing a tear away. 

"You're a mess," said Matthew, quietly. 

"That makes two of us, then." James swallowed, thickly. He leaned back, looking at Matthew. There was emotion on his face now, swirling in his green eyes. Warmth and sadness, guilt and regret, flickers of fear. "Every time I close my eyes I see you letting go," he whispered, "Please- please don't leave me, Math. Please, I couldn't- I wouldn't be able to-" Matthew wrapped his arms around him, pulling James down so that he could curl into his side. Matthew shifted, moving the blankets over them both. 

"I'm sorry, Jaime." 

"Promise me, promise me you won't leave me." 

"James, I-" Matthew hesitated. "It's not that easy. I don't- I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I deserve this." 

"You deserve the world," James snarled. He tried to get up again, but Matthew held him, tightly. 

"I don't, but I'll let you try and convince me, Jaime." He sighed, deeply. "I don't want to leave you either, never. It broke my heart leaving you but I thought it would be for the best. I- I wasn't thinking straight. That's not to say I feel as if I belong in this world, that's not to say that I hate myself any less. But I love you too much to cause you any more pain. If I can do anything, it is promise to remain by your side for as long as I can." 

James let out a breath, some of the tension in his muscles unwinding. "You're a good person, Matthew, I promise. You'll see it soon, we'll all make you see it." 

Matthew hummed, non-committedly. "Sleep, Jaime," he said, quietly. "I'll still be here when you wake up." 

"Love you," James muttered, struggling to keep his eyes open for any longer. It was so late and he was so tired, the day had drained him. He needed this, he needed the warmth, the comfort, the protection.

"Love you too, you fool." 

Everything wasn't fixed, life didn't work that way. But it was better, there was a glimmer of hope at the end of whatever dark tunnel Matthew had been stumbling along all this time. He might not have been able to see it, but James did. James who was, and always would be, by his side to guide him. Matthew was usually his light, but if James had to be the one to guide him through the dark for once, then that was exactly what he would do. 

James didn't know how things would be in the morning, how Matthew would react to speaking to his family, to speaking to anyone who wasn't James but they would figure something out. If he wanted to run away then they would run. If he wanted to hide away then they would hide. 

As long as they had each other, everything would be okay, everything would work out. 

It had too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
